It came out in October and I still love it. Perhaps videos are like having babies. Once you have one, you forget the pain of making it (not that this was painful – working with my friend Ryan William White was so easy (and he’s so f-ing talented) that the two hours of sleep I got before traveling from Halifax to NYC didn’t hurt one bit) and you want to make another. And I do.

Come on, click it.

on and on by koralee

xo.

xo.

in a seven year span of time, i have lost the experience of the pain of losing how i saw you, because it was not you. only in my eyes, were you clean of that last relationship, clean of the darkness it had painted onto your heart. forever reaching in, forever breathing in, i would grab at it, and you would exhale, and my hand would miss it by the smallest distance. you were always that close. and i never got closer. and so i gave up. because it was not you.

i never cry, never wish that it had turned out differently. yes, i’ve had a moment or two of imagining a happy reconciliation, but then – where would that align with the life i have, that i love more than the one we had together? it was by losing you that i gained myself, but putting both on the scale, i can’t not admit that it would have been close. but now i think of you with happiness, knowing that the man i wanted you to be died with my need to walk away. and for me to actually live, i did.

and so i dream of you, seldom, but enough to remember the face that i thought was so beautiful. and i know that you are married, like you said you would never do. and i pray that you look at her with the look i saw, that you finally turned my way, but only in my dream.

I’m spending the evening going through the video from all my recent shows: Vancouver, Winnipeg, Vancouver, Seattle, Los Angeles and I’ll be putting some up on YouTube asap. Below, take a listen to the a capella version of one song I wrote in July, called ‘Bringing up Baby’. My dear friend Kate Wattie, who helped me with the recording, and I are at odds with the name, but if you knew the story behind the song (because there is always a story with me) I think you’d think it was just right.

xo.

(I’m listening to King’s X while I do this.)

xo.

For tickets to the Aqua Books show, please call 204.943.7555 or email: kelly@aquabooks.ca

xo!

After the realization that it wasn’t going anywhere, that you were too far away and I didn’t want to bring myself closer, and that you were too afraid and I didn’t want to find out why, I realized that it was for naught. So I fell asleep on my side, refusing to touch you voluntarily. So, the love that could have been would never be. And the child that we had already named would never be born to both of us at the same time. But I wanted it to be that way. In the dark, in the room that neither of us would ever sleep in alone, where it all started, it would now end, a small little blip on the lives that we could have entwined, but chose not to. We don’t have to make a decision right now, you said, and by saying it, you acknowledged that it had already happened. That the decision had been made and we wouldn’t ever try again. Or maybe you would. But I wouldn’t. I would never try because it wasn’t worth it to me, not because it wasn’t something I wanted, but because trying for the thing I so desperately wanted smacked of weakness. And weakness wasn’t something I could afford to be when you were only half way in, and poised to be on your way out.

But we had woken and brought out heads together, and slept again in that position, you told me this morning. And you told me I was beautiful and you were sad. And you held on to me while we stood on the train as we rode to the airport, and although you told me, ‘I’ve got you, I’ve got you,’ I couldn’t let go of the railing and believe that you would catch me from falling as we stood and sometimes swayed. And I held on to you but gripped the bar, refusing to depend on the person that wouldn’t be there anymore once the plane left, once you returned to the life that you had, that I wasn’t a part of, that I never wanted or planned to be a part of, but still miss in times of loneliness.

And it wasn’t that you were scared, but that you knew you weren’t there. It was that you knew you wouldn’t. You wouldn’t do what I needed you to; to do more than care for me, because care is something you feel for those you no longer love. And I didn’t want to start at a loss. And I realized that I couldn’t care less why you didn’t, and I wouldn’t waste any time wondering why. Who, what, when, how. It didn’t matter and it never would, because spending the time trying to figure out your inability to love me was the same as trying to make you love me. And neither filled me with any feeling other than loathing of self, loathing of situation, loathing of the person I wanted to love, and love me back.

Why try and make you love me? It was simply a sure fire way to ensure that you never would.

August 4th, Winnipeg, MB
Aqua Books
http://www.aquabooks.ca/events.php#koralee

August 24th, Seattle, WA
The Mix
http://www.internationalpopoverthrow.com/Schedule-Seattle-2011.htm

August 31st, Vancouver, BC
Railway Club
http://www.internationalpopoverthrow.com/Schedule-Vancouver-2011.htm

September 11th, San Pedro, CA
Alvas Showroom
http://www.alvasshowroom.com/calendar.php

October 10th, Los Angeles, CA
Bar Lubtisch
(details to come)

1.5) The Van house concert was at capacity. The head of my Vancouver street team and I are calling it a ‘sell-out’.

2) Prepping for the Winnipeg Show on August 4th. Should be a blast – it’s the first time the majority of my family will see what I do.

3) This website is going away, and will be replaced by a new one. Because I’m getting a new site, you’re getting a free song. See Number 1, above.

4) Going into the studio end of August, no ifs, ands or buts. New EP this fall. It’s about bloody time.

5) Shows in Vancouver, Seattle and LA looming. You’ll hear more ASAP.

xo.